Caller IDK
by Orange Sherbet
Summary: "Sir, is your refrigerator running?" "It was, but then I broke both it's legs." In which Ino and Sakura discover the joy of prank calling.
1. Chapter 1

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**C**_a_l**l**_e_r **I**_D_K

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"You know you want to," Ino smirked.

"No, Mrs. Piggy, I don't. Put that thing away before you hurt someone."

The blond rolled her eyes, beyond annoyed at how persistent Sakura was being. She didn't get what her problem was-they _always _did this kind of shit when they were genin. Just because Sakura was all 'I the High and Mighty Tsunade's apprentice bitch' didn't mean they could _have fun!_

"Sakura, take the phone. You know you want tooooo~" Ino sang, sounding slightly more drunk then she had been when Sakura had found her waiting on her front porch.

"I think you need some coffee."

"I think you-_hic_-need to get laid."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "I am _not _going to _prank call _people with you!" She declared heatedly, crossing her arms over her chest in a sign of clear refusal. _Hell to the no!_

Ino chuckled darkly, sounding exactly the the evil psycho blond she was.

"If you don't, I'll tell Tsunade about your little-_escapade _with that shinobi back in Mist."

"You malicious bitch. Burn in Hell!"

"Only if you-_hic_-come with me! Now-" She shoved the aforementioned ninja-cell in Sakura's face, "Dial up!"

o

()**Deidara**()

o

"Hello, un?"

"You kicked my cat."

"Da fuck?"

"You KICKED my CAT. BITCH!"

"I didn't touch your fucki-"

"YOU KICKED MY CAT! YOU KICKED MY CAT!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, UN?"

"YOU KICKED MY CAT! YOU KICKED MY-"

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!"

"DON'T LIE TO ME, FUCKER! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!"

"I'LL BLOW YOU UP, UN!"

"OOO~I'M SOOO SCARED!"

"YOU-"

"Un."

"...what did you just say?"

"Un. Do you have a problem with that, un?"

"You're mocking me, un."

"I'm doing no suck thing, un."

"Stop it!"

"Stop it!"

"I'LL COME THROUGH THIS PHONE AND RIP YOUR FUCKING THROAT OFF, UN!"

"No need to get violent. Geez."

"..."

"Un."

"BI-"

"By the way, I'm pregnant with your child. We're naming it Bubba, okay?"

"WTF?"

"Nice talking to you! TTYL!"

The line went dead.

Deidara shook his head and hung up the phone.

"There's some fucked up people in this world."

o

()**Sasuke**()

o

"Hn?"

"Hello, sir! Congratulations, you are about to be the proud winner of two free cruise tickets!"

"...Sakura? What the hell are you doing?"

"Remember, mam', this interview is live on 96.8, the ONLY ALL POP RADIO STATION! Answer the questions right, and you get the prize?"

"Are you drunk?"

"First question; The Ass-Bow. Fashion statement, or mating call?"

"I'm not answering that."

"Correct! Next question!"

"What are you on, Sakura?"

"How many Uchiha's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

"That's not funny."

"CORRECT! YOU WIN!"

"..."

"Sasuke?"

"Yah."

"Please don't mention this to Naruto."

"...I'm going to try and forget it, myself."

o

()**Hidan**()

o

"What the fuck do you want?"

"HELLO? IS THIS SHELLY? OMG SHELLS, I'VE GOT SO MU-"

"I'M NOT FUCKING SHELLY!"

"-CH TO TELL YOU! I'M PREGGERS, SHELLS! PREGGO LIKE AN EGGO! AND HEY, DID YOU EVER NOTICE-"

"KAKUZU? IS THAT YOU? YOU LITTLE FUCKER!"

"-THAT THE SUN, LIKE, _SHINES!_I MEAN FER REALZ, LOOK UP IN THE SKY SOME TIME, SHELLS!"

"You high bitch?"

"YAH! SO YESTERDAY THIS DUDE WAS ALL LIKE 'GIMME ALL YO MON-AYYY' AND I WAS ALL LIKE '_HELLZ_ NAH!'"

"Where the fuck do you live?"

"SHELLZ, WE SHOULD GO SEE A MOVIE THIS WEEKEND! I HEARD _THE TITANIC_ WAS GOOD! BUT I THINK IT CAME OUT A WHILE AGO! WILL IT STILL BE IN THEATERS?"

"I'mma come to Konoha and fuck you up, bitch."

The line went dead.

"Che. How rude."

o

()**Neji**()

o

"Hyuga residence, were you looking for someone in particular?"

"I'mma fuck you up, Neji."

"Who is this?"

"Granny Chiyo. I can't believe you got MY MOTHERFUCKIN' GRANBABY PREGGERS!"

"Mam', I assure you, I have done no such-"

"BULLFUCK! YOU GOT HER PREGGERS AND YOU KNOW IT!"

"Ma-"

"I'MMA TAKE MY MOTHERFUCKIN' CANE TO YOUR SORRY HYUGA ASS!"

"I-"

"BETTER WATCH OUT, GANNY CHIYO COMIN' TO TOWN, AND SHE DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE!"

"WHAT THE HE-"

"I'MMA SMACK A HO! I'MMA SMACK YOU _DOWN!_"

"IS THIS WHAT DESTINY HAD PLANNED FOR ME? REALLY, DESTINY?"

And then Sakura hung up, giggling and light-headed from whatever Ino had slipped into her diet coke.

"That was fun!"

"Fuck yeah it was. Let's do some more!"

o

()**Kakashi**()

o

"Hello?"

"Why, _helloooo. _Fancy meeting you here, handsome."

"So it is. Is there something in particular you needed?"

"I _need _you, bad boy. Come and _ravish _me."

"I would, but I have this dog that needs bathing-"

"No excuses! I want you on my doorstep, clad in only a black thong with a whip in hand!"

"...Okay."

"Good boy. You can't see my face, but I'm winking seductively at you."

"I'm sure you are."

"Come quick, _fudgiedumpling."_

o

()**Itachi**()

o

"Hello?"

"Um...Mr. Uchiha?"

"That's me."

"Um...well, I don't want to be rude, but who was the last person you had sex with?"

_"Excuse me?"_

"A patient here at the free clinic named you as a recent sexual partner. Would you like to come in for some tests?"

"What was the patient's name?"

"Sasuke Uchiha."

No answer.

"I think he hung of on me, Ino."

"Gee, I wonder why."

o

()**Orochimaru**()

o

"What?"

"How would you like to complete a FREE survey?"

"What do I get if I do?"

"The satisfaction of completing a FREE survey!"

"No."

"How do you handle a break-up?"

"Kill whoever dumped me."

"Last thing you ate?"

"Some small child."

"Are you afraid of spiders?"

"I eat them, too."

"Do you kiss your pets?"

"I always try to show Kabuto I love him more than my other bitches."

"Do you dance naked in your room?"

"I dance naked in everyone's room."

"Biggest fear?"

"Oranges-God...NOT THE ORANGES!"

"Are you toes painted?"

"Yes."

"What color?"

"Petal pink and Jasmine. With little rhinestones stuck in the middle."

"What's your favorite number?"

"Sixty-nine."

"Who was the last person you had sex with?"

"What's sex?"

"Have you ever hidden behind the clothes racks at Wal-mart and whispered 'pick me!' when people walked by?"

"Yes."

"Thank you for your time, mam'!"

"Fuck you."

o

()**Shikamaru**()

o

"Yeah?"

"HEY SHIKA YOU SO FINE, YOU SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND! HEY SHIKA! HEY-HEY-HEY SHIKA!"

"Drunk girls. How troublesome..."

"HEY SHIKAMARU! DID YOU KNOW THAT YOUR HAIR RESEMBLES A PINEAPPLE!"

"..."

"I FUCKING LOVE PINEAPPLES!"

"Your point?"

"HEY! WE SHOULD HAVE A-_hic-_PICNIC ONE DAY!"

"Why?"

"YOU CAN BRING THE PINEAPPLE! AHAHAHAHA!"

"I'm hanging up down. Go drink some coffee, Sakura."

"BUT SHIKA-_KUNNNN!_"

"SHIKA?"

"SHIKAMARU?"

"ARE YOU STILL THERE?"

"WHAT ABOUT OUR PICNIC!"

o

()**Naruto**()

o

"Hello?"

"BELIEVE IT! Ahahaha...you and your-_hic_-stupid catch phrase!"

"...Sakura?"

"You're like a-a brodda to me, Naruto!"

"Are you okay?"

"BUT SOMEONE'S LIKE THERE SISSY A LITTLE MORE THAN THEY SHOULD!"

"Sakura-chan! ARE YOU UNDER THE INFLUENCE?"

"Naruto-_hic_-kun, we ALL know you're madly in love with me. Even SHINO can see it, and he normally doesn't bother with anything that has less than four legs!"

"SAKURA. ARE YOU GIVING INTO PEER PRESSURE?"

"Ino is-_hic_-hardy my peer! Anyway, it don' matter how much you _lurve _me, FOR NO SAKURA FOR DA NARUTARD!"

"...Sakura. I'm coming over."

"OOOOH, NOW you act all protective and shit, but you didn't even care back in Mist when that shinobi was feelin' me up!"

"HE WAS FEELIN' UP ME AND TEME, TOO! IT'S NOT JUST YOU!"

"IT IS JUST ME, CUZ I'M THE BADDEST BITCH IN KONOHA!"

"I'm bringing coffee with me."

"HEY! You should prank call people with me and Ino!"

o

()**Sai**()

o

"Hello?"

"Ya know, Sai, I always thought you had the hottest ass in fire nation."

"Ugly?"

"No, you are most definitely not. If only you weren't gay."

"What's gay?"

"Oh Sai-poor, naive Sai. Go ask Sasuke. He knows."

"Okay..."

"See ya, Sai-bear. Love you, want you, wanna piece of that ass."

"Goodbye, Ugly."

"Catch you on the flip side!"

o

()**Neji (again :D)**()

o

"Hello?"

"Congratulations, sir! You just won a BRAND NEW CAR!"

"I know."

"AND-what?"

"It was my destiny."

o

()**ROCK LEE**()

o

"Yosh?"

"Did you get da stuff?"

"What stuff? OH! IS THIS 'STUFF' YOUTHFUL?"

"You could say that. Did'cha get it?"

"You haven't even told me what 'it' was?"

"It's stuff. How do you NOT know what da stuff is?"

"DID SOMEONE STEAL THIS 'STUFF' FROM YOU?

"No-"

"NO NEED TO FEAR, ROCK LEE IS HERE!"

"R-"

"JUST POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION THOSE STUFF-STEALING BANDITS WENT!"

"There's no-"

"WHICH WAY, CHILD OF THE YOUTH?"

"That way."

"That way?"

"Yes. That way."

"But which way are you-"

"Hello? Did you just hang up on me?"

"That was not very youthful of you!"

o

()**Gaara**()

o

"Sir, is your refrigerator running?"

"It was, but then I broke both it's legs."

o

o()o

o

"That was so much fun," Sakura sighed happily, brushing some hair out of her face.

"It was!" Ino agreed, blue eyes wide and glassy. "Hey, do you wanna order some pizza?"

Sakura picked up her ninja-cell, smirking devilishly. "What do you think?" And she press the speed dial number for Konoha's Greatest Pizza.

"Hello, I'd like to order some Kung Pow Chicken."

o

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o

**The end XD**

**I was too lazy to do the rest of the Characters, LOL.**

**But maybe I'll write a sequal if I get a lot of reviews telling me to ;p**


	2. Chapter 2

**WARNING: **_Beware of cuss words, as there are many._

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**C**_r_a**z**_y_ M**o**_f_o

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-o-

**Kakuzu**

-o-

"Hello?"

"What?"

"Sir, did you by chance loose your wallet?"

"I keep my wallet stapled to my thigh at all times, so I highly doubt it."

"..."

"...?"

"Dude."

"What."

"That's fucking creepy."

"So is your face."

"...OH SNAP. YOU DID _NOT _JUST GO THERE!"

"Bitch. I live there."

"YOU WANNA FIGHT HO?"

"I'd rather have to bail my way out of a murder trial."

"GIT YO HARRY ASS UP AND FIGHT ME!"

"I'm telling you-"

"IMMA MOTHERFUCKING NINJA!"

"Okay."

"THAT'S WHAT I-wait, what?"

"Okay. I'll meet you at the playground."

"...that's what I thought. Bitch."

"Yah. Bye."

"BYE BYE!"

-o-

**Kiba**

-o-

"Hello?"

"I'd like to order a pizza!"

"...It's like, three in the morning, Sakura."

"I want onions, olives, peanuts, vasceline and your sweet, sweet, sexy body smothered in tomato sauce on my doorstep now!"

"..._what?_"

"And extra cheese!"

"Sakura...WHAT THE FUCK."

"So, Kiba. Raped any dogs lately?"

"WHAT THE HELL? NO!"

"Poor Pakkun. He's never gotten over that, you know."

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"

"It didn't look like one~"

"GO DRINK SOME COFFEE, YOU CRAZY BITCH!"

"Kukukukukukuku..."

*Dial tone*

"Oh my, I think he hung up on me, Ino!"

"That is so rude!"

-o-

**Itachi (again!)**

-o-

"Hello?"

"Hi, um, my name is Psycho, last name Bitch, and I just killed my clan. I was wondering if you had any suggestions."

"Well, did you leave at least one member alive?"

"Yeah, my little sister Paco."

"Good. Now she can forever hate and hope to one day kill you. Now, get out of town."

"Why?"

"Because if not the villagers will come after you with pitchforks and matches."

"THEY'D LIGHT ME ON FIRE?"

"No. But fire is necessary. It creates mood."

"Okay...anything else?"

"Yes."

"..."

"..."

"...what is it?"

"Find yourself an evil organization, and join it."

"Thanks!"

"No problem. Now fuck off, I'm trying to play World of Warcraft."

-o-

**Neji (:D)**

-o-

"Yes?"

"Hello, _Neji._"

"WHY DOES DESTINY HATE ME SO?"

-o-

**Sasori**

-o-

"Hello?"

"What's it like? being an overgrown puppet, I mean."

"Who is this?"

"Do you ever wanna be a real boy?"

"I have caller ID, you know."

"Don'tcha have to worry about woodpeckers?"

"Sakura? Is that you?"

"Whose Sakura? My name's Bubba!"

"Well, _Bubba, _as much as I'm enjoying your company I'm going to have to make a trip over to Konoha to kill you."

"Okay! TTYL!"

"..."

"..."

"Ino."

"What?"

"Lock the doors."

"'kay!"

-o-

**Madara**

-o-

"Evil Organization Hot-line, how may I help you?"

"Baby...listen, there somethin' I gotta get off mah chest."

"Is it your bra? Feel free!"

"I know about that girl, the one you kissed back in Santa Rico? I'm not stupid, baby, I know you been cheatin' on me. And with a whore liek her? How could you?"

"Am I gonna have to go all mangiko on your ass?"

"It hurts me to say this, it really does. But you a cheatin' bastard! IMMA GO BLOW YO BEST FRIEND, BITCH. WE OVA!"

"You can't break up with me!"

"Too late to beg, bitch. Maybe if you were better in bed this wouldn't of happened."

"NO! I WON'T LET YOU!"

"SUCK IT UP AND BE A MAN!"

"BUT-BUT!"

"BUT WHAT?"

"But I love you..."

"...Babeh, do you mean that?"

"With all my heart and both of my eyes."

"When you put it that way, then I guess..."

"You guess what?"

"HAHA, BITCH. FOOLED AGAIN. I AIN'T NO DOPE, ONCE A CHEAT, ALWAYS A MOTHERFUCKIN' CHEAT."

"At least I can get someone willing to cheat with me!"

"YOUR MOTHER DOES NOT COUNT."

"SHE SAID SHE LOVED ME!"

-o-

**Yamato**

-o-

"Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?"

"This is Yamato. Who is this?"

"CHUCK? I DUNNO ANY CHUCKS!"

"I said my name was-"

"LISTEN MR. NORRIS, I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD CALL PEOPLE'S HOUSES AT THREE A.M. NO MATTER HOW MADLY IN LOVE WITH THEM YOU ARE!"

"Who is this-"

"MY NAME IS YO. YO FACE. YO FRIGGINUGLAY FACE."

"I'LL TURN YOU INTO SAWDUST, BITCH!"

"I EAT SAWDUST FOR BREAKFAST."

_"...you sick bastard!"_

"That's mah granpappi's name."

-o-

**Sai**

-o-

"Hello?"

"Hello!"

"Hello?"

"Hello!"

"Who is this?"

"Who is this!"

"No really."

"No really!"

"Ugly-"

"Ugly!"

"Are you drunk?"

"Are you drunk!"

"I'm calling Dickless."

"I'm calling Dickless!"

"Don't drink anything else."

"Don't drink anything else!"

"Goodbye."

"Goodbye!"

-o-

**Kisame**

-o-

"Hello?"

"Are you naked?"

"Yah. Why?"

"Just wondering!"

-o-

**Suigetsu**

-o-

"What?"

"Do you really love me?"

"If you make me a sammich, I will."

"I'D RATHER EAT SHIT THAN MAKE _YOU _A SAMMICH!"

"Then no, I _don't _love your fugly ass."

"That's alright, cuz my fugly ass had been grinding all over your best friend."

"HA. Shows what you know. Sasuke is gay!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...hello?"

"I FUCKING KNEW IT!"

-o-

**Kabuto**

-o-

"Orochimaru-sama's office, personal secretary Kabuto speaking. How may I help you?"

"Are you lyke, Oroslut's manbitch?"

"I'm his man_slave_. Get it right, ho."

"Whatever. Manbitch."

"I'm not his manbitch."

"Ooooh, manbitch is in denial."

"I am _not_-"

"You should go, I think your snake pimp is calling."

"YOU-"

"BUH BYE NOW!"

-o-

**Ino**

-o-

"Hello?"

"Hey girl! what's up?"

"OH EM GEE, SAK! I'm lyke, right next to you!"

"I know right! Hey, we should so do this whole drunk-prank-call thing more often!"

"Ya think?"

"I know!"

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**The end!**

**Let me know if I should make this a several chaptered story :)**

**(this is the part were you click the review button)**

**(do it)**

**(you know you want to)**

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	3. Chapter 3

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**A**_B_C**D**_E_F**G**_H_I**J**_K_L**M**_N_O**P**_Q_R**S**_T_U**V**_W_X**Y**_Z_

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**H**_o_l**y** _S_h**i**_t_ D**u**_d_e

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**A**_B_C**D**_E_F**G**_H_I**J**_K_L**M**_N_O**P**_Q_R**S**_T_U**V**_W_X**Y**_Z_

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"So Ino, who shall our next victim be?"

"That's a good question, Sakura. You know, we haven't called any girls yet."

"LET'S DO HINATA!"

-o-

**Hinata**

-o-

"H-hello?"

"HELLO! HOW WAS YOUR DAY?"

"I-it was g-good...who is this?"

"CHO CHANG! DO YOU LIKE WAFFLES?"

"Y-yes-"

"I LOVE WAFFLES! YOU CAN SPREAD SYRUP ON THEM AND SHIT!"

"I-indeed, um M-Mrs. Chang, do y-you-"

"SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE FUCK!"

_"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?"_

"Oh, shit. Hinata, did you just go hulk on me?"

_"I'LL GRIND YOUR BODY INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES, AND FORCE FEED THEM TO THE FIRST HOBO I SEE, BITCH!"_

"...holy shit dude."

-o-

**Tenten**

-o-

"Hello?"

"I like cheese."

"..."

"..."

"Okay then. I like cheese, too."

"Are u liek, in luv with Neji?"

"NO! WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU THAT?"

"DON'T EAT ME!"

"WHO WOULD WANNA EAT A NASTY SHIT LIKE-"

"I'M TOO PRETTY TO DIE!"

"...Sakura? WTF are you doin'?"

"Da fuck are you doin'?"

"Neji. You?"

"Neji's dad."

"...holy shit dude."

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!"

-o-

**Neji :D**

-o-

"Hello?"

"Yo! Neji! It's Tenten!"

"Tenten? You sound very...girly today."

"I KNOW RIGHT! Anyway, how'd you like to meet me at the training grounds so we can fuck like bunnies?"

"YOU MEAN YOU'LL HAVE ME?"

"...yah. You comin' or not?"

"Oh. I'm definately 'comin.'"

"...?"

"YOU'LL HOLD MY HAND, RIGHT?"

"Sure, why not."

"YESSSS! I'M GONNA GO BRAG TO LEE!"

"You do that."

"I'm headed to the training grounds now!"

"Wait! Neji, I want you..."

"YES?"

"...to wear one of your mom's matching bra and thong sets there."

"W-why?"

"It gets me horny."

"O-okay, if it is what you wish, then this must be what destiny has in store for me..."

"Yah."

-o-

**Gai Sensei**

-o-

"YOSH?"

"You. Training grounds. Fifteen seconds from now. Bring a camera."

"Why?"

"There's somethin' real youthful goin' down around there."

"Ah! I love the smell of youth in the morning!"

"GO NOW BITCH!"

"OKAY, OKAY! DON'T EAT ME!"

-o-

**Tenten**

-o-

"Hel-"

"Get your ass down to the training grounds now, or I'll give Lee a naked picture of you."

"Excuse me?"

"GO NOW BITCH!"

"...eh, why not."

-o-

**Karin**

-o-

"Hello?"

"Hi. Hey. Hello. It's Sakura. I just called to tell you that Sasuke just lost his virginity to me, so you can stop dreaming."

"WHAT? I'LL CLAW YOUR EYES OUT, BITCH!"

"Bad Karin! Down girl!"

-o-

**Sasuke**

-o-

"What now, Sakura?"

"ARE YOU GAY?"

"What? Who told you that?"

"AHA! YOU DID NOT DENY IT!"

"I'M NOT GAY."

"...prove it."

"...how, Sakura."

"Go fuck something with a vagina. And Karin and Haku don't count."

"Fine. Meet me at my house in fifteen, Sakura."

"Huh? Whyyyyy?"

"I got something to show you."

"IS IT SHINY?"

"Not particularly."

"IS IT FURRY?"

"...uh, no."

"IS IT BIG?"

"Very."

"I BET IT'S BIG FOOT!"

"Fifteen, Sakura. Fifteen."

*Dial tone*

"Hey, Ino."

"What?"

"Sasuke said he's gots somethin' ta show meh."

"I bet it's Big Foot!"

"THAT WHAT I SAID!"

"When he gonna show you?"

"Uh...he said in fifteen!"

"Fifteen what?"

"Idk. Hours, maybe?"

"He might've meant days."

"...Yeah, you're probably right!"

-o-

**Itachi**

-o-

"Hi! Remember me?"

"Ah. You're the crazy bitch who prank called here an hour ago."

"YOU REMEMBERED!"

"Indeed. Do you have an actual reason to call this time?"

"Yes."

"..."

"..."

"...what is it?"

"I love you, Kisame."

"This is Itachi."

"Oh. Oops! Do me a favor and passon the message, will ya?"

"Sure thing."

"Thanks!"

"But remember one thing,"

"What?"

"KISAME IS MY FISH BITCH, HO. ONLY I GET TO LOVE HIM."

"...holy _shit _dude."

-o-

**Tsunade**

-o-

"Hello?"

"I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!"

"Jiraiya?"

"YOU OTTA BRODDAS CAN'T DENY!"

"FUCK OFF, PERVERT! I'LL SET THE ENTIRE KONAGAKURE ARMY ON YOU!"

"THAT WHEN A GIRL WALKS IN WIT A ITTY BITTY WAIST AND ROUND THANG IN YO FACE YOU GET-"

"I'm hanging up."

"-_SPRUNG!_"

-o-

**Deidara**

-o-

"Hello, un?"

"TELL ME WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO YOU USE!"

"I'LL NEVER TELL A SOUL!"

"WELL I DON'T HAVE A SOUL, SO _TELL ME!_"

"..."

"...!"

"...holy shit dude."

-o-

**Kakashi**

-o-

"Yo."

"Do you luv me?"

"No."

-o-

"Ino."

"lolwhat?"

"Someone is calling me."

"So answer the phone."

"But what if it's some serial rapist!"

"Half the guys we called tonight are serial rapists."

"Oh, right. I forgot we called Neji."

Sakura flipped open her pink razor.

"Hello?"

"You fucking lie."

"Neji! Speak a' da creeper!"

"What?"

"Sooo how'd you and Tenny's little midnight redevous go?"

"YOU PRETENDED TO BE TENTEN!"

"So?"

"NOW SHE THINKS I'M CRAZY!"

"She thought that before tho!"

"WHY, DESTINY? _WHY_?"

*Dial tone*

"I think we finally broke him, Ino."

"But we only called, lyke, once!"

"Ino. Double the number of shots you had, and _that's _how many times we called him."

"I can't count dat high!"

-o-

**Gaara**

-o-

"What?"

"SHIKAMARU IS SCREWING YOUR SISTER!"

"Mmm. A legit excuse to spill blood."

"...holy shit dude."

*Dial tone*

"Ino, we have a problem."

"Yeah, it's called WE'RE OUT OF MOTHERFUCKIN' VODKA!"

-o-

**Choji**

-o-

*munch munch munch munch* "Hello?"

"What would life be like without chips?"

"There would be no life."

"Okay then!"

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**Until next time, readers.**

**GIMME IDEAS/CHARACTERS 4 NEXT CHAPPIE!**

**MY BRAIN HAS RUN DRY D:**

**(pwease)**

**Review!**

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	4. Chapter 4

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

**B**_u_b**b**_l_e **B**_u_t**t**

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Hellooo?"

"Sakura? This is Gai. I need to have a word with you about Neji and Tenten."

"Shit."

*Dial tone*

"Ino."

"lolwhat?"

"Lock the doors."

"I already did!"

"THEN PUT THE FUCKING BOOKCASE IN FRONT OF IT."

-o-

**Shikamaru**

-o-

"Hello?"

"Hi Shika!"

"Sakura...it's five in the morning."

"I KNOW RIGHT? I just wanted to tell you that your hair resembles a pineapple!"

"...why did you wake me up at five a.m. to tell me this?"

"Cuz Imma nice person." **(A/N: Thanks to **Because I Never Got Over It **for that one!)**

"Call me when you're sober."

"It's gonna be a long wait!"

-o-

**Kankuro**

-o-

"Hello?"

"QUITE PAINTING YOUR FACE, YOU LITTLE BUBBLE BUTT FUCK!"

"MOM?"

-o-

**Naruto**

-o-

"Hello?"

"NARUTOOOO!"

"SAKURA-CHAN! I GOT THE COFFEE!"

"Knowing you, you'll just spill it on yourself! Don't forget the ketchup!"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, SAKURA-CHAN?"

"You're nosy...no wonder Kakashi-sensei liked me more!"

"HE LOVES ME!"

"He said I was teacher's pet!"

"HE SAID HE LOVED ME!"

"He even got me a cage to sleep in!"

"..."

"...!"

"HOLY SHIT-"

*Dial tone*

"Sakura?"

"He was botherin' me, Ino-kun."

"Okay!"

-o-

**Pein**

**(Thanks to **Because I Never Got Over It **for this one, too! She left this in a review and I was all lyke "holy shiz, I GOTTA USE DIS SHIT!")**

-o-

"Evil Organization Hotline, how may I help you?"

"Are you, lyke, related to Orobitch?"

"How in the name of Kami did you come to that conclusion?"

"You have a snake-bite."

"Hello? Orobitch II?"

*Dial tone*

"DID YOU HANG UP ON ME?"

-o-

**Konan**

-o-

"Hello?"

"Hi!"

"...?"

"Girl, blue is _not _your color."

_"WHAT WAS THAT, BITCH?"_

"DON'T GO HULK ON ME BOO! I'm just tellin' you dis cuz imma nice person."

"Oh, okay. By the way..."

"Yessssss?"

"Pink makes you look like a fat flamingo. HA."

"OH SNAP! AM I GONNA HAVE TO TEACH YOU A LESSON?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-o-

**Sasori**

**(HUGE thanks to **Yin-Yan-Yum-Yum** for this little jewel ;)**  
-o-

"What now?"

"THERE'S A GIANT WHALE SIGHTING AROUND YOUR HOTEL! GET THE LIFE GUARD! YUR GUNNA DIEEEE!"

"...da fuck? I'm gatherin' my poisin and I'm coming over there, Sakura."

"IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZER!"

"That's nice. Don't move, okay?"

"That sounds like something a rapist would say."

"Orochimaru taught me how to creep."

"...Orochimaru taught me how to dougie."

"..."

"..."

"THAT'S FUCKING SICK!"

-o-

**Sasuke**

-o-

"Ino."

"Whaaaaat?"

"I'm being called."

"Pick up the damn phone, bitch."

"That's LORD Bitch to you."

"JUST DO IT!"

"FINE!"

...

"Hello?"

"Sakura."

"Sasuke!"

"You didn't show up."

"Wha-? OH! YOU MEAN FOR THAT! I still have fifteen more days, you silly duck."

"..."

"...!"

"I'm going to pretend you didn't call me that. And I meant fifteen minutes, Sakura."

"FIFTEEN MINUTES TILL WHAT, SASU-CHAN?"

"I'm coming over there."

"Uh huh. That's what they all say."

"..."

"...?"

"Sasuke?"

"Saaaaaasuke?"

"SASUKE?"

"DID YOU HANG UP ON ME?"

-o-

**Hidan**

-o-

"HIYA! 'member me?"

"YOU'RE THAT BITCH WHO PRANK CALLED ME!"

"Bingo! So, hows the wife?"

"I'M GONNA FUCKING RIP YOU TO SHREDS, BITCH!"

"You're still abusing her? I'm telling you, Shelly, you can't do that to people. They've got cops and shit on their side."

"I GOT MAH MOTHERFUCKIN' SCYTHE, AND MAH MOTHERFUCKIN' ADRESS BOOK-"

"OMFG I GOT A CALL WAITIN'! TTYL, HON!"

"YOU STUPID BITCH! DON'T YOU DARE HANG UP ON-"

*Dial tone*

"Where da fuck did my scythe go?

-o-

**Anko**

-o-

"Yo."

"Heyyyyy, girlfriend! How's it goin'?"

"It's goin' good. Like, I got my acceptance letter to Hogwarts and all that shit."

"WHAT? THEY LET A BITCH LIKE _YOU_ GO TO HOGWARTS?"

"_Hellz _yeah. Don't hate."

"WHERE'S MY LETTER?"

"Lining the bottom of some parakeet's cage."

"NOOO! I BELIEVE IN MAGIK!"

"Orochimaru? Are you okay?"

"..."

"...?"

"Dude. Anko. Crazy mofo. Ugly whore."

"lolwhat?"

"...THIS IS SAKURA."

"...holy shit dude."

-o-

**Sasuke (;)**

-o-

"SASUKE YOU STALKER, STOP. CALLING. ME."

"I'm waiting."

"In line at the free clinic?"

"Open the door."

"And why would I do that? You could be standing out there with a knife!"

"I could."

"..."

"But I'm not. I brought candy."

"...What _kind _of candy?"

"The good kind."

"Liek, gummy bears and Skittles?"

"Like gummy bears and skittles."

"...And chocolate?"

"_Especially _chocolate."

"And no knife?"

"I promise."

"Pinky promise."

"I pinky promise."

"Okay. I'm coming."

"Kukukuku..."

"...?"

-o-

"Sakura. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?"

"Chillax, Ino, Sasuke's waitin' for me outside with candy."

"DON'T YOU WATCH MOVIES? The guys with candy are always the creepers!"

"Sasuke ain't no creeper."

"Oh yes he is."

"Nuh uh."

"Yuh huh. I can't allow you to leave, Sakura."

"But I want candyyyyyyy..."

"I have candy."

"Really?"

"Yeah...it's in that closet over there."

"CANDEH!"

-o-

**Ino is prank callin' Sasu-cakes :O**

-o-

"Sakura?"

"QUITE TRYIN' TA RAPE MAH SAKURA, MANBITCH!"

"Good morning, Ino."

"FUCK YOU!"

-o-

"There was no candy in that closet."

"Suck it up and prank call Naruto. I just saved your life."

-o-

**Naruto**

**(P.S. Song is 'Everybody Loves Me' by OneRepublic)**

-o-

"HELLO?"

"Ino just saved my life."

"...how?"

"Sasuke was creepin' on me."

"Oh yeah, he learned that from Orochimaru."

"..."

"..."

"...OH MY! FEELS JUST LIKE I DON'T TRY!"

"LOOK SO GOOD I MIGHT DIE!"

"ALL I KNOW IS EVERYBODY LOVES ME!"

"Sakura-chan..."

"Yeahhh?"

"...I-I love you!"

*Dial tone*

"DAMMIT!"

-o-

**Neji**

-o-

"WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW? MY MONEY, MY GOOD LOOKS, MY _VIRGINITY?_"

"...Uh, no. You can keep all that shit."

"THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"I want your body, Hyuuga."

"..._what?_"

"That's right, _Neji-kun._ This is Orochimaru, and I'mma creepin' on you. Better put shades on you're windows, whoremuffin, because I'm watching."

*Dial tone*

"...MOMMY!"

-o-

**Ya'll now the drill; review, leave me some more awesome ideas for next chapter :)**

**Peace out, homeboyz.**

**(and girlz)**

**Review!**

**(P.S. I'm naming next chapter 'Neji's Revenge' whether you like it or not :p)**


	5. Chapter 5

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_Neji's Revenge_

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-o-

**HUGE thanks to littlemissrandomosity for this one ;)**

-o-

"NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, DESTINY?"

"Uh, Neji? Hey, it's Tenten-"

"YOU FUCKING LIE!"

"Nuh-uh, ya' momma's boy. It's Tenten. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty horny right now, so-"

"MY MOM'S HORNY!"

"...good to know..."

"YEAH IT IS."

"..."

"..."

"Riiight. Let's cut to the chase, I'll forgot how creepy you are if you meet me at the training grounds in fifteen."

"And THEN what will happen? Huh? !"

"We'll fuck like bunnies."

"...NICE TRY, BUT I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT, DESTINY'S WHORE!"

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME A FUCKING WHO-"

*Dial Tone*

"DID YOU JUST HAND UP ON ME, YOU LITTLE FUCK?"

"..."

"Ah well. I'll call Lee instead."

-o-

**Neji**

-o-

"Whaz up, creeper."

"WHY MUST YOU KEEP CALLING ME? I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN FUCKING LIKE BUNNIES!"

"...Well neither am I, bitch. Don't get so full of yourself."

"THEN WHY DID YOU SAY WE SHOULD?"

"WHEN?"

"JUST NOW! YOU CALLED AND SAID WE SHOULD!"

"...That wasn't me, crazy mofo."

"...what?"

"THAT. WASN'T. ME. CRAZY. MOFO."

"..."

"..."

"...!"

"By the way."

"WHAT?"

"I'm still creepin' on you."

*Dial Tone*

"...MOMMY! WHERE'S MY BLANKY?"

-o-

**Shino**

-o-

"Hello?"

"I'm having my house terminated."

"YOU SICK BITCH!"

-o-

**Gaara**

-o-

"What."

"I got a jar of dirt!"

"...so."

"So guess what's inside?"

"...dirt."

"Well damn."

-o-

**Anko (Thanks to **Kirika**!)**

-o-

"Ya?"

"The fishman just called. He wanted his net back."

"But then what will I wear over my boobs?"

"...a bra?"

"Kakashi stole mine."

"ALONG WITH WHAT? YOU'RE VIRGINITY?"

"I lost that a long time ago~!"

-o-

**Kakashi**

-o-

"Yo."

"YOU MANSLUT!"

"...okay."

-o-

**Shino (Again :p Thanks to **Cassa-di-di Loves NaruHina**!)**

-o-

"WHAT NOW?"

"Yo. Shino. Bug boy. Sexy masked man."

"WHAT."

"Chillax. I was kidding about the terminator thing. I wanted to-"

"Oh. That's right; I heard you were prank calling people."

"...shit. You took the fun out of it."

"Call me back in ten minutes. I'll act surprised."

"OKAY!"

-o-

**Hidan**

-o-

"What?"

"SHELLY!"

"FUCK OFF!"

-o-

**Shino**

-o-

"Has it been ten minutes yet?"

"No."

-o-

**Kabuto**

-o-

"Hello?"

"Hello manbitch. I would just like to let you know that I am, without a doubt, the superior medic. The Sakura fanclub agrees."

"I am the ultimate healer!"

"OH YEAH? WELL DO YOU HAVE A FANCLUB TO BACK THAT UP, BITCH?"

"...no..."

"What was that?"

"...no...NO! NO! OKAY? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? YOU'VE REVEALED THE TRUTH! KABUTO HAS NO FANCLUB!"

"That's cuz nobody likes you, dumbass."

-o-

**Shino**

-o-

"Has it been ten minutes yet?"

"NO."

-o-

**Asuma**

-o-

"Hello?"

"STOP SMOKING!"

"Mom?"

"YUR GONNA DIEEEE!"

"Ino?"

"DO YOU WANNA DIE? WHAT ABOUT LIFE? DON'T YOU LIKE LIFE?"

"I'm not gonna die."

"YUR GONNA DIEEEE!"

"I'm-"

"AND WHEN YOU DIE, YOU'RE GONNA BURN DOWN IN HELL WITH MADARA THE MERCILESS!"

"..."

"...!"

"I'm hanging up."

"Wait! I LOVE YOU!"

-o-

**Madara the Merciless**

-o-

"Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?"

"..."

"What? How else am I supposed to fund an organization as big as Akatsuki! It sure as hell ain't gonna pay itself."

"..."

"You know what, GO TO HELL!"

"..."

"MOM LIKED ME BETTER ANYWAY!"

"...I'm hanging up."

-o-

"Sakura."

"What, Ino?"

"Pickup your phone."

"...but-"

"DO IT."

"Fine..."

...

"Hello?"

"Vengeance shall be mine, bitch! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

*dial tone*

"Who was it?"

"I dunno. The caller ID said Neji."

"Huh. Did we call him a little while ago?"

"Yeah...think he's mad?"

"Hmm..."

"Hmm..."

"NAW!"

-o-

**Shino**

-o-

"It's been ten minutes."

"No. It's been eleven. You're point is invalid."

"..."

"I win, bitch."

-o-

**As always, review & let me know what you think :)**


	6. Chapter 6

-o-

CALLER IDK

-o-

_Bang._

"Hey Ino?"

"Yeah Sak?"

"Did you hear that?"

_Bang._

"Hear what?"

"That banging! It's like someone's trying to break in..."

"Nawwww!"

_BANG!_

"WE'VE COME FOR THE PINK BITCH!"

"Ino, look! The Akatsuki are here!"

"OMG! They can prank call people with us!"

"YOSH!"

"BITCH! THAT'S NOT WHY WE FUCKING CAM HERE!"

Frowny face. "It's not?"

"AAAAW SAKURA! Don't cry! We don't need these bastards to help us have fun!"

"YEAH! YA HEAR THAT?"

"Just kill her, un."

"And the fat fucking blonde?"

"Her too, un. SHE STOLE MY HAIRSTYLE!"

Le gasp. "I DID NO SUCH THING!"

"YEAH! INO DID NO SUCH THING!"

_BANG!_

"SAKURA-CHAN! I brought the coffee!"

"Hi Naruto!"

"Hn."

"Oh hey, when did Sasuke get here?"

"I've been here, smartass."

"Good evening, foolish little brother. I see you've returned from the free clinic."

"ITACHI-wait, what?"

"Ino, let's sneak out while they're distracted!"

"GOOD IDEA!"

"We can all hear you, you know."

"Didn't I kill you?"

"You killed one of my puppet bodies. You didn't think I'd be so stupid as to not have a backup plan, did you?"

"A girl can dream..."

And with that, Ino and Sakura promptly dropped unconcious, most likely from all the alcohol they had consumed.

That Akatsuki and Konoha nin looked at each other.

"Now what, un?"

"Well, we could all just leave and pretend this never happened..."

"DEAL."

-THE NEXT FRIGGIN DAY-

"Ugh, my head feels like hell...Ino, did we really fall asleep on the floor?"

"Looks like it...oh God, I probably look like shit."

"It's alright, you always look like shit."

"Shut it forehead."

"Make me piggie."

"Hey?"

"Yeah?"

"What the FUCK did we do last night?"

"No idea. Why do you ask?"

"Because theres like seventy missed calls on my phone from Neji..."

"Call him back."

**

"DESTINY, WE MEET AGAIN! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM 100% STRAIGHT, AS PROVED BY TENTEN LAST NIGHT!"

"Awesome...?"

"NOW I SHALL HANG UP. FOR NEJI HYUUGA IS NO LONGER A PURE FLOWER!"

"Cool story bro. Tell it again."

*Dial Tone*

"That was weird."

"So's YOUR FACE."

"Go make me breakfast."

"Just call up Naruto and tell him to pick us up some. He's like your bitch anyway."

"You're right. Naruto IS my bitch."

-o-

_fin._


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